“Aging Isn’t For Wimps”

Growing older is an inevitable part of life, but it is not for the faint of heart. As we age, we often find ourselves grappling with a host of challenges, both physical and cognitive. The reality is that aging can be daunting, and finding the right care for our later years can feel overwhelming.

When Carol and Bill called my CarePatrol office, “a little worked up” was an understatement. Carol recently fell in the bathroom and returned home after rehabbing a broken hip. That same week, Bill was diagnosed with dementia.  Their well-meaning family decided to “surprise them” and signed a contract at an assisted living community without involving their parents in the process. Bill was “pissed.”

Carol struggled physically – so Bill did the laundry, took out the trash and cleaned the house.  Bill had a cognitive impairment, often had a hard time finding words and poor short term memory – so Carol paid the bills and took the lead on medical and financial decisions. It is very common for couples to make up for each other’s deficits, and they enjoyed an independent lifestyle until the setback of recent events.

When I met with the couple, they were both aware of their limitations. They knew they needed help, but they did not want to be treated as children and have decisions made for them.  They were also fearful about leaving their home. When the kids joined us for the meeting, the oldest son Lee made it clear he was the decision maker. I had to make it clear that mom and dad both had capacity to make their own decisions. Their power of attorney was not active, and no one could make decisions on their behalf without a physician determining that the POA was activated. After refereeing the verbal family wrestling match, the family agreed that mom and dad needed to have ownership of the decision making process.

The kids were excited that they had found the “perfect” community for their parents to spend the rest of their lives.  It was close to their homes and had a contemporary lobby and a beauty salon. The youngest daughter was excited for mom to join the pickleball club. Mom told her that she used to be able to carry the grandkids around, now she gets winded just thinking about it. There was no way she was playing pickleball and risking another broken hip. The son kept telling dad his memory would get better if he cut out the glass of wine with dinner and stopped stressing over politics. Dad told him he used to have “senior moments”, but now his entire day is one long senior moment. He wasn’t giving up his wine or his political views. I was glad to see they still had a sense of humor.

Unfortunately, although well intentioned, the kids chose a community that was not right for their parents care needs. They should not have made a decision based on what was closest to their home and which property had the prettiest lobby. Proper placement had to focus on the continuum of care, a staff that could handle physical transfers and cognitive challenges, the availability of appropriate memory care if necessary, and solid physical therapy on the premises. Fortunately, we were able to cancel the contract with minimal penalty.

During our discussion, it became apparent that the family waited too long to seek out senior living options. Her daughter said “we thought we could handle our parents care needs at home, until mom fell in the shower. I wish they would have found you sooner.” After we talked, they realized another pitfall was not involving their parents in the decision making process. Dad said “This aging thing isn’t for wimps. I can handle it.  Next time surprise me with a cake, not a new home!”

Although Carol and Bill had very different care needs, one of our goals was keeping the couple together. Now that the family was on the same page, I toured them at several communities that could manage both their physical an cognitive challenges. To the family’s surprise, I had them settled into their new assisted living home in 3 weeks. Carol was embraced be a lovely group of ladies that were teaching her Rummy. She also joined the book club.  She tells me that is a much better fit then pickleball. Bill discovered that the poker guys also love to discuss politics. He tells me he is losing at cards but winning the political debate.

Aging isn’t for wimps, but with the right support and planning, it can be a rewarding chapter of life. CarePatrol stands ready to assist, offering the guidance and expertise needed to find the most appropriate senior living community.  The key to navigating this journey is to start as early as possible, ask the right questions, and always prioritize quality of care, safety, socialization, and reach out to CarePatrol to help you find the right fit.  With this approach and support, you can ensure that the golden years are truly golden.