“Dementia is Wrecking My Family – I Don’t Know How Much More I Can Take”

When Molly reached out to my CarePatrol office, her voice was familiar. Several years ago I helped her and her sister find a memory care community that could manage her mom’s Alzheimer’s. This call was regarding her sister Sheryl.  Sheryl was now diagnosed with dementia and Molly was devastated.  She was just coming to terms with her mom’s disease, and now her older sister that had been her support system was suffering with major cognitive challenges. She was in tears when she said “dementia is wrecking my family and I don’t know how much more I can take.”

Molly was the baby of the family.  Sheryl was the big sister and Molly’s role model. When their parents divorced as kids she made breakfast for them before school, helped her with homework, sat up with her in the middle of the night when she had nightmares, filled out college applications, played career counselor, helped her find a job and took the lead when mom got sick.  She thought Sheryl could do anything. She had put herself through college, built a successful law career and travelled the world. Now she had dementia just like mom.

Over the course of a year, Sheryl went from independent and high functioning to no longer being able to manage her activities of daily living or maintain her home. Her bills went unpaid, her home was a mess and she was not eating properly.  She had lost her orientation to time, and she called Molly at all times of the day and night to chat.  The calls usually started with the same “Hey sis, are you coming over for the holidays?”

When Molly went to visit for the holidays, she noticed Sheryl was trying to cover up a facial bruise with makeup – she had fallen down the basement stairs. Her outfit was dirty and smelled like urine. There were post it notes all over the house – reminders of a failing brain. How are you doing sis? Not good she answered, but I’ll be ok. Her heart broke, understanding for the first time that her big sis was not ok. Molly was already walking this dementia journey with her mom and knew that she would not be able to fix Sheryl.  She understood the necessity of getting her sister proper care so that she could maintain some independence and quality of life as long as possible.

As devasted as she was over Sheryl’s condition, we started the processes of scheduling an assessment and matching her needs to the capabilities of a quality memory care community.   Sheryl got agitated when Molly talked about her dementia diagnosis,  so I coached Molly on how to develop the skills of redirecting and creating narratives that would be acceptable to Sheryl while having the effect of getting her proper care with minimal stress.

Sheryl has now settled into a wonderful memory care community with loving staff that is attending to all of her daily needs.  She is enjoying eating in a “restaurant” for every meal, and likes the companionship of having her “coworkers”  at breakfast, lunch and dinner. There are activates scheduled throughout the day and she tells me she likes “leading” the current event discussion and crossword puzzle group.

After a recent visit at the community, Molly appeared more relaxed now that she was back in the little sister role and not being a caregiver for her big sis.  However, something seemed to be troubling her as she walked me out to the car. “I’m afraid I am going to end up like my mom and sister. If my mind fails me, will you be there for me?” I smiled and assured her, “that’s exactly what I do.”