I’m Not Giving Up On Him – Living Life With No Regrets

When Lois called my CarePatrol office for help with her husband Rich, the couple was several years into their dementia journey. They had been married for 68 years, and she had spent the last three of those years as Rich’s caregiver. Now the disease had progressed to include a Parkinson’s diagnosis, and she simply did not have the physical strength to manage his daily care needs. The couple’s journey is one that encapsulates the essence of true partnership and highlights the special bond that can be forged over a lifetime.

I met the couple in person at a rehab after Rich took a fall. Lois told me how dementia had stolen his memories, and now Parkinson’s was taking away their ability to live independently. One of the nurses entered the room during our conversation and suggested that Lois move Rich to a long term nursing home to finish out his life so he would no longer be a burden. While well intended, that advice was insensitive and premature. Lois asked the nurse if she was married.  She was. Her reply, “What part of till death do us part do you not understand?  I’m not giving up on him.”

Lois told me many stories about the triumphs and tragedies, joys and sorrows that seven decades of life together can bring.  Rich was the rock of the family.  He worked hard to provide emotional support for her and the four kids through difficult times, while also nurturing a comfortable life with an abundance of happiness. When Lois got cancer, he worked hard to care for her while also providing for the family and dealing with his company’s bankruptcy. Their life was a partnership built on mutual respect, love and understanding.

Rehab was a struggle for Rich, and the hospital style environment made him agitated and confused. He always wanted to know where Lois was, and her presence kept him engaged in his therapy and had a calming affect on his behaviors. A physical therapist told her that she did not need to be there for his sessions and she said “love is not just a feeling, it is an action, there is no other place I need to be.” Lois reached out for help because she wanted a plan to keep them together, and avoid a nursing home if possible.  Several friends told her how I assisted their families, and she asked me to “do your thing.” He is being discharged next week so “I’m giving you 5 days to make this work.”

Upon discharge from rehab we had an assisted living plan in place that would give Rich the cognitive care and physical help he needed, while also providing Lois the independence and socialization she required. Lois’ dedication was inspirational.  Each day presented its own struggles, but she faced them head-on, often recalling how the strength of their marriage guided them through some very dark moments. When Rich lashed out in pain and frustration, she loved on him.  When diapers became the norm, she loved on him.  When he could no longer feed himself, she loved on him.

Lois recently called to tell me Rich passed. She thanked me for helping them stay together to the end, and for not giving up on them back in the rehab. Now that Rich was gone, she was grateful that she had a new home and new friends to support her through this tough time.

She reminisced about a partner that helped her feel good about herself, was steady and reliable and despite many faults, was there for her when she could not take care of herself. He had encouraged her to write and create art during a time when her friends thought it was a waste of time. Now she is using those writing skills to lead a book and art club to help other seniors engage their minds and creativity.  “The end of Rich’s life came to soon, but I have an amazing series of memories and moments and I plan to spend time savoring each one.” Lois’ devotion to her husband and their senior living journey was an enduring example of my CarePatrol model of “Helping Seniors Finish Strong.”