“My Dad’s Got Dementia and I Don’t Know What to Do”

Memorial Day weekend I received a call from Liz.  Her dad fell at a family BBQ and ended up in the ER. “My dad’s got dementia and I don’t know what to do. He’s 72 years old, in decent shape physically, but his memory, judgment and reasoning skills are less than my 5 year old.  I need help now!”  The hospital treated the bump on his head and was sending him home so his wife and son could look after him. The problem was his wife had passed several years ago, and his son lived in a different state. The hospital social worker meant well, but she had little understanding of dementia.  She was not aware that Jay’s reality was unreliable and way out of date.

When I met with Jay, we had a nice conversation about his family and his desire to get back to the office. He appeared to be living in his memories from 20+ years ago. He had no awareness of his cognitive issues, and got defensive when hospital staff tried to correct him. I did a video call with his family, and they told me I needed to get through to dad so that he understood his condition. They wanted him to stop getting into accidents, stop falling, and be safe in his home. We had to rip off the Band-Aid. What they were asking was impossible. Dad was a danger to himself and others and needed to stop driving immediately. While we have solutions to mitigate some fall risk, eliminating it was not going to happen. Dad was also not capable of living alone.  He was dehydrated, existing off frozen dinners, and living in the same outfit for extended periods of time.

We set up some quick “guidelines’ for the family:

1. Our goal was to give dad the best quality of life possible. We were going to make his world less dangerous, more comfortable, and more enjoyable. Guideline #1 – Safe and appropriate care was going to be the priority and guide decisions moving forward.
2. The video call got heated quickly. The kids argued over next steps. “Dad is just confused, he needs to get home ASAP…He should move in with Liz…We need to put him in a nursing home…When was the last time you saw your neurologist?”  Jay was aware of his families tone and became agitated.  He could not process the conversation and was overwhelmed. This led to guideline #2 – Communication and patience.  Speak calmly, keep conversations simple, limit choices and don’t argue in front of dad.
3. Jay’s mood changed quickly. “They need me back at work now! I can manage my own medications. ! I can take care of myself!” Fortunately, he was redirectable. I played jazz on my phone and he calmed down.  I asked him a legal question and the former lawyer gave me an answer. The family was going to practice this skill.
4. The family was distraught over family and friends giving them caregiving advice. Liz felt extreme guilt over constantly being told dad should move in with her.  She had a career and 3 kids. Don’t allow others to judge you.
5. Everybody seems to know somebody with dementia. Every individual’s care needs are unique. What worked for your neighbor’s mom or the Google review may not be appropriate for dad’s specific care needs. Finding appropriate care options for dad was going to have its challenges. It will be emotionally draining. There were legal and estate planning issues to resolve.  We did not want dad to outlive his financial resources. My job was to slow the world down for the family and get dad the proper care quickly.  The entire family agreed to let that happen.

Within 24 hours we had a care plan in place. CarePatrol worked through a safe discharge from the hospital. We connected the family with the proper legal and financial resources. We toured safe and appropriate memory care communities and moved dad into a community that will give him the care, independence, and sense of purpose to help him finish strong.